Penny Flame

A porn identity begins when the career begins. The only true battle is not getting the two identities confused.

In the year of 2001, i was accepted to San Diego State University. Okay. Let's just leave it at that. I graduated High School with a 3.6 gpa and was stoked to actually be going to college. I got there, and the insanity unfolded. Living in the dorms was absolute hell, and the job options were wack, too little pay for the amount of work that was required. College requires a lot of attention. I couldn't spend all my time working at some fuckin pizza place, or a silly coffee shop. Everyday I went to class I would pick up the daily Aztec, the state newspaper, and read the back for job ops. Always ads with internet work, +18, you get the drift. Then I'd walk back to my dorm where my roommate was rushing around, trying to get all her school work in before she went to work for peanuts at a retail store. I always admired her drive and work ethics, but for fucks sake. I wanted to study, lay at the beach and study, and not have to worry about getting my work done and having money to spend. So one day, I took a picture taken of me from that summer, just my sweet little face, ha, and sent it in. That was that. Now I waited.

One day, I got a call. Some guy in San Diego whose name I don't really even remember called and said he'd like to do an interview. I said whateves, lets do it. I went to meet him. He had his buddy there, Rocky. I remember Rocky, and not the other dude...it's so funny. Rocky was dope. An older gentleman in a wheelchair, with a warm and easy going vibe. I think at one point he laughed and said I was gonna be big, and when I am I wouldn't remember how I started. Well Rock, wrongo. I remember you fool, OMP (onemodelplace.com), the whole thing. I hope what you got goin on is in better shape...haha....one of those shoots was so ghetto, in fuckin East LA with like 50 photographers, and I brought my homey Jeremy from SDSU...yeah. That day was kinda wack. I actually met my first agent through Rocky. That guy was a piece of shit. Not Rocky, Rocky was dope.

So, I am shooting at some ghetto house in East LA, somewhere off like Alameda....n the 5....fucking pretty ghetto. This older guy, round face, big nose, funny little glasses approaches me with two chicks...one on each arm. He's wearing a beat up greenish grey hat with a waist long grey braided pony tail, a pink collared shirt, some tighter than your average bear jeans, and weird boating shoes. Now this was before men were sportin pink. Now it supposedly means you're in touch with your feminine side, or your man enough to wear girly shit, but come on. Well, to continue, he approaches me and says he has some work for me, he is a big time agent, blah buh fuckin blah.

I ask his name...John Stevens. He gave me some piece of paper with his name on it and bounced. Fuckin terd didn't even have a business card so I gave it some time, checked out the website and it all looked on the up and up. I am not in the habit of trusting people, especially ones so unprofessionally clad, and so before I went to the shoot, I told some friends the location I'd be at, when I will be home, yes, I will call when I get there after I'm there when I'm leaving and when I'm ten minutes away. And I went. I went up to Laguna Niguel to shoot for Mattsmodels.com. And to be honest, if it hadn't been for Matt and Alicia Silver, I probably wouldn't have trusted the industry.

I wouldn't have had such an awesome view on it. The shoot was easy, non-threatening, and surprisingly fun. There came a point when Matt gave me a toy and I started using it, and he said to me "you don't look like you want to use it" and I said I don't. He then said something to me that changed my life. At the time, I had no idea of course, but looking back...he said, "if you don't want to do it then don't." The simplicity of these words, but the magnitude of their meaning....blows me away. I see so many girls come into the industry and first thing right off they are takin it in the ass and doin gang bangs. You have to be careful with this industry. It's like the ocean, if you don't get in you will never know how amazing it is, but if you think you can handle it, the ocean will crush you, and humble you, and if you are lucky throw you back to the shore. The second you think you can handle it is the second it is all likely to crumble and eat you. Funny. Because of those words, I spent the next year and a half doing nude stills. I worked with people I met through Rocky and OMP, and I worked with people I met through John Stevens.

As much of a bastard as he was, John took me to the biggest companies that suited my limits. Danni's Hard Drive, Suze Randall, Hank Londoner and his lovely wife, Scott Evans, Cynthia Paterson....to be honest, I spent most my time at Danni's. I remember walking into the studio with Nicolas Sage and talking. He asked me how long I been around, and I said, I haven't really done much man. He said most the girls that came through there had already done Penthouse and Hustler and everything and he'd love to shoot me and try to get some layouts. And so began my lovely friendship with Nicolas. I loved going to shoots for him because he had great taste in music. That is always a deal sealer. Nicolas is a very spiritual man. He seems to feel so deeply, and because of that, his music of choice was reggae. The days were mellow, but the drive home was getting to be a bitch.

Now that little bit pretty much covers the beginning of my career. Oh yes. How could I forget? The friends I made. Well. That pretty much depends on how you look at it. In San Diego I hung out with kids my age...18 19, drank secretly in our dorms, I even had a boyfriend. Wow. Blocked memories eh? I had a boyfriend in high school, beginning of college. He was a beautiful man. It's always shitty how we find someone years before we are ready. We were from the same town, and he lived in New Mexico. I remember running through the airport with bags in tow, being the last one off the plane and crawling over seats to be the first one off. I remember his smile, and his smell when I'd run and jump into his arms. I never really told him. In fact I think I tried to lie about it. I have tried to block it from my memory but here goes. We are sitting in my mustang at the 35 spot and he says to me... "are you doing this." and I said "no."

he looked at me, and said, straight into my eyes "if you tell me the truth, we can make things better. But if you lie, we can't. It means you have no respect for me."

Whoa.

Way to change my whole out look on honesty.

I admitted it. Had no choice really. He gave me an out. We tried to make it work for awhile, and it was good for a time, but when it came down to it, I wasn't ready. He knew it, saw it in my eyes. I wasn't ready to take him seriously, because I couldn't take myself seriously. And even more than that, I wasn't happy with myself, so how could I ever be happy with someone else. Well, the answer to that is I couldn't. I was bad to him, cheated on him, broke up with him, tried to come back to him, and on that last day, actually the last day I ever saw him, I showed up at his house, we went upstairs and were going to fool around and he said "what are you doing?" "I have no idea."

I had no idea. I was lonely, regretted my decision, didn't want to let him go, whatever it was, I didn't know. But I left. I smiled at him, tears in my eyes, said "I'll see ya later." He smiled back.

I went back to LA a changed person. I suppose a woman.

I had officially fell in love, and been made to step away from it and see how much I really love this man...and I let him go. Right there. Well, that's what I thought. This is late August 2002.

In San Diego I had been seeing this other guy. Fucking jerk. No, I think he just had no idea who he was. We were attracted to each other because of the incredible amounts of pot we took in. That didn't last long. Even tried to live with him. Right?

All the time, I was waiting for a check from Hustler, or driving back and forth to LA on the weekends. During the week, I went to class, studied in my room listing to CSN(Y) or some living legends. My next door neighbor was dope. Breezy. Love him. He actually just graduated SDSU and we got stupid in Pacific Beach. I got a clip in here somewhere...

Beginning of September 02, I got a new agent. I made some good friends through John, but he no longer answered his phone, wouldn't be in his "office" and just sort of conviently disappeared. Hmmm. Now all this after he started PennyFlame.com. That fuck did the same thing to Charlie Laine! He set us both up with websites...in his name...never updates em, just collects from it. Bastard. Neither she nor I signed any releases for the pictures taken. I can't find him. It's probably better that I don't to be honest. I won't elaborate.

I started doing girl-girl when I hooked up with an agent named Cam, CSmodels.net, and he introduced me to the kind people at Michael Ninn, Wicked, Digital Playground, Pure Play media, of course kept me in touch with DHD, Peach, Ca. Wildcats, more Hustler, Hot Bodies Int., the list goes on. Cam was a great agent. He is a one man machine....takes the world on his shoulders and asks for very little in return. Our relationship was solid until a little known as came into my life.

I first time I ever did , I was at a convention in Las Vegas 04. Between depression and loneliness I found comfort in the numbness it provided.

Between January and July 8th of 2004, I managed to put over $50,000.00 of blow up my nose. I realized that I wasn't going to work anymore because I couldn't wake up in time, and I was paying rent late for the same reason, and had bill collectors calling, and dealers checking on me to make sure I was alive, Cam wouldn't take me seriously or book me jobs, a little O.D. episode, and all this didn't change the way I was living my life.

The point of change came when I got on a scale on night and weighed 85 pounds. I normally weigh 120. I got upset and took some xanax and went to . I woke up in the morning, and took another pill, back to . I on cycles of 16 hrs. Woke. Ate. .

I did this for two weeks and finally woke up and got out of bed. And I felt a little more normal. I didn't go to clubs or bars for four months. I haven't touched the shit since that day.

I lived with a guy, and I was bad to him too. I am not good with relationships, obviously have detachment issues, and I don't like to talk. When I say I don't like to talk I mean, I tend to lead entirely separate lives, and very few mingle. My work life is totally different than my private life. For instance, I read a lot, and like to paint, but when the camera turns on it's all charm...or I let things go on in my business life that I don't share with my personal life. That being said... I fucked up everything with Cam, and needed a new agent. I was clean and sober, clear headed and motivated when I walked into LA Direct. I sat down with the owner of the company Derek, and told him my situation. "I am four months clean, I only do girl-girl, don't push me into doing anything and I will be the best girl ya got." The beginning of another beautiful relationship.

He got me plenty of girl-girl work, kept me busy, kept me paid, didn't push, didn't prod. He let me develop as I felt proper. Then one morning, I woke up and thought, "I think I'm gonna start doing guys now." This was beginning of December 04. I have been with LA Direct ever since. I love everyone in the office, and everyone that I have met through them. Since I've been with Direct, I have worked for tons of people! lets see if I can do this....Playgirl, Metro, Red Light, Platinum X, Wicked, Digital Playground, DVSX, and directors ranging from PT, Craven Moorehead, Mike Adams, even little fuckin Chico Wang from Anabolic.

What a nut job he is. I even got a directing job at Shane's World....a line called Girls Night Out and another called Blazed and Confused. I have done four movies for Vivid alone this year, and had fairly big roles in all of em. Got three AVN Awards. Best Solo Sex, Best Couple sex, and Best Group Sex. Guess it makes sense. I like doing it, so good things happen when you go with what is natural I suppose.

So there it all is. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

You may not like me anymore, now knowing the truth. I am a certified terrible girlfriend, unreasonably emotionally detached, and a nympho to boot. But I don't care. I'm happy doing what I do. And I hope you're happy watching what I do.....

If it weren't for you after all.....

Biography Courtesy of www.clubpenny.com