Up My Asian Ass

Jules Jordan Video / Year: 2012 / 3.5 out of 5
Adult DVD
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3.5 out of 5
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Where's the Passion?

By: Oranje
In-House Review - Aug 15 2012

I have a lot of specialty bits that I'm into, as most porn fans do, but I should say right up front that I do not in any way have an Asian fetish. Lovely people, surely, and I know this is a massively popular genre. For me, though, it really does nothing.

I thought I should mention that upfront, just to be honest about it. First up is Jayden Lee, and she looks like she's having some arthritis problems or something. During the tease segment she's moving so slowly that it looks like she's thrown out her back.

Then Chris Streams has an extreme close-up on her tits for a bit, which she then spits on for some reason. Next she tries to lick her own nipples, but here I had to check to see if I my DVD player was on slow-motion. Just not moving well at all, and it's not in a seductive kind of way. Maybe some yoga would help? Being the design nerd I am, I'm also trying to figure out the architecture in this place. The plexiglass of the staircase must be a pain in the ass to keep polished. It's a nice touch, especially with the granite and marble floors leading up to it, but there must be a Swiffer on call at all times. Now Jayden is trying a booty bounce, but her ligaments won't let her get much going. And then a look up at the director. No, Jayden needs a bit more confidence before she should get this much of a tease segment. Then it's medical exam time, where we should all get course credit for literally looking into her ass. That's my problem with Mike Adriano's films, incidentally. He gets amazing looking women, films them
well, and aside from talking too much, otherwise does a great job. Except for the fucking speculum. I don't need that view, thanks. Please knock it off. Chris here isn't that bad about it, but it was still unnecessary. A lukewarm scene at best. It's a plus that Jayden gets into some rimming ? there's my guilty fetish pleasure ? as it's a happy thing that such things are becoming more mainstream. She does a very thorough job of it, too, and it's very nicely captured. Still, even with it being an anal scene, I got bored. Marika Hase got second billing, and she's got the ultra-slow moving thing going too. And she starts to lick the pillar she's rubbing against. Architecture porn? It's another terrible tease segment, where she just kind of flops around. Think fish out of water more than sexy. Then she lays there while Chris zooms in on her fun parts. And then we fade to another awkward position on the couch. I'm not getting aroused here: I'm getting sore. The camera angles are basically all too close and too low here,
as we're right at crotch level for most of it in front of the couch. This just isn't fun to watch. No chemistry. Maybe Katsuni will be better. Or at least I might get a mild erection. She generally has a bit more confidence in her scenes, but here too she's doing the achy tease sequence. Are they okay? Were they in some kind of bus crash on their way to the shoot. Katsuni is also displaying basically no emotion in this scene, which is a complete turn-off. Almost a bit like a robot. There are two guys in this one, so I guess that's the hook. Still no chemistry whatsoever. What the hell is making this film so bland? It's like all of the ingredients are there, but they aren't mixing to make the cake. I'm disappointed in this film because it's so mild. There is no passion to it, no chemistry, and the camera is bit more shaky than it should be, too. The lighting is great, and at least everyone shows up, but a classic in the making this is not. More like going through the motions to collect a paycheck. Unless you absolutely have to have every title for one of the ladies on this disc, you can go ahead and skip it. Or unless you're into architecture.

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