2.5
out of 5.00 -
Film:
3
Extras:
2
Video:
3
Audio:
2
-
12/21/2001
SEX ALERT, a 2001 shot on video production from New Machine and directed by Stuart Canterbury, is serviceable, if ultimately forgettable, fare which has a very amateurish, homegrown quality about it (and I don't say that in a good way). Although the talent is generally good, the marginal production and sound values, humdrum sex and missed payoff at the end fail to raise this flick above the seething mass of routine, slapdash porn on the market.
Featuring a narrative structure that would give Quentin Tarantino a headache, the flick opens with cute, natural Brit, Roxanne Hall, doing some nude sunbathing in her yard while neighbor Tom Chapman peeps through the fence. (Roxanne has always stood out in my mind since the time I first spied her being seriously fouled by the nasty Max Hardcore) Roxanne, with her cute little accent, gets off on Tom's spying and it doesn't take much convincing for Tom to hop the fence and engage in a fairly tepid suck and fuck before leaving some cream on her English pussy.
Meanwhile, Tom's wife, the busty Kaitlyn Ashley is a stewardess winging her way home from her latest flight while fellow stewardess Jessica James (?) is carrying on with the pilot, Rocco Siffredi (making a "special appearance" as the credits point out - sort of like Burgess Meredith as "The Penguin" on the old "Batman" series, I guess. Given Rocco's penchant for ultra-nasty European-style sexual depravity, it was hard to figure out what he was doing in this flick. Maybe he was in L.A. for a weekend and had some time to kill). Anyway, Rocco, with his laughably bad command of English and ultra-thick accent that makes Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like a Shakespearean actor by comparison, convinces the curvy, busty Jessica that fucking in the cockpit would get him in trouble with the FAA (yeah, I seem to recall the Secretary of Transportation discussing the "no fucking" rule on C-SPAN one night) Instead, they opt for a suck and fuck in the deserted airport terminal.
Rocco, visibly straining to restrain himself from the true depths of sexual depravity he displays in his European porn, bangs Jessica in the reverse cowgirl and doggy position with some mild hair pulling thrown in for fun. Unfortunately, the two don't get to complete as they are still banging as passengers begin swarming into the terminal around them (actually, I found that to be a fun touch to an otherwise routine scene).
Back at Roxanne's house, she explains to Tom that her sexlife with hubby, Mike Horner, is in the dumps since he is always so tired. Of course, we are then treated to a scene with Mike banging his barking, stern supervisor, curvy, brunette, Melissa Monet, to explain his fatigue. Melissa dresses down her lowly underling then undresses so he can lick her quivering pussy. Melissa, with her trim figure, dark hair and heavy make-up looks pretty good as Mike bangs her from behind and in the missionary position, leaving a creamy deposit on her chest. Talk about a sexually charged workplace environment!
Mike returns home pooped out from his office hijinx and passes out on the couch where he dreams of a standard girl-girl scene between Sindee Cox and Sandi Beach(?) With Mike out of action for the night, Roxanne sneaks out to spy on Tom and Kaitlyn. When Kaitlyn hears a noise outside the bedroom window, Tom explains that it is just Roxanne peeping outside for added sexual thrills. For some reason Kaitlyn finds this exciting and puts on a show, banging Tom in the cowgirl and missionary position. Although my privates were starting to tingle with delight at the prospect of a three-way with Tom, Kaitlyn and Roxanne, the film (and my erection) ends with Tom releasing on Kaitlyn's firm torso with Roxanne nowhere in sight. (I guess they ran out of money to pay everyone for a 3-way scene).
Basically, SEX ALERT is very run-of-the-mill porn featuring decent looking talent and competent if low-end production values. The sex is fairly routine, there is no anal (as far as I could tell), no oral cumshots and, like most slapdash erotica, the sound quality is dismal and inconsistent. Minimal extras include a slide show and four forgettable previews. If you find SEX ALERT under your tree this X-Mas, hang onto it. However, if you are shopping for your own porn, you can get a lot more for your money elsewhere.
By:
Joe Blow