2
out of 5.00 -
Film:
1
Extras:
2
Video:
2
Audio:
3
-
3/15/2004
One good, hard, aching look at Cytherea on the cover of SECRETS EXPOSED from Smash Pictures was almost enough to convince me that I was going to love this film, simply because she was in it. And if I were any less than the half a man I am now, I would probably be able to see through this flick many, many faults and forgive its numerous shortcomings because of my infatuation with the very lovely covergirl. Unfortunately, Cytherea's opening scene is the one and only saving grace in this amazingly mediocre porno. When it comes to the latest gonzo and wall-to-wall flicks, I certainly don't expect greatness: I just want to have a generally good time with some nice-looking babes. SECRETS EXPOSED doesn't even deliver in those areas.
The first problem with this video is that it's too dark. And I don't mean dark as in theme, mood or atmosphere. I mean dark as in, just who the hell lit and photographed this movie - Mr. Magoo? Or maybe it has nothing to do with the actual videography, and the fault really lies in the processing and transfer to digital. Whatever the excuse, the picture has a washed out quality which makes the frustrating and depressing to watch. (The photos on the back cover of the DVD are infinitely brighter and crisper.) Not that there's all that much worth looking at in the first place: the vignettes are contrived and unoriginal, and would not make the final cut of even the most tired and routine edition of the forever popular BARELY LEGAL series. The actresses and actors do their best to rattle off some situational dialogue, but the set designs are strictly bargain-basement quality, and the editing and direction is appallingly amateurish, with jarring transitions, poor camera angles, and no sense of pace of style. It's not the worst video I've ever seen, but one expects better from a new and upcoming studio.
Cytherea, looking glamorously beautiful from the minute the movie starts, despite the sub-par production values, gives great head and equally good pussy-loving to Brian in a vignette called "My First Photo Shoot." I will leave it up to the viewer's imagination to guess what her scene is all about. Although the sex is rather routine, watching her suck on cock and take an oral cumshot is worth every second of your time and attention. It's just too bad her eighteen-minute segment is the only highlight of this lackluster DVD.
Gia gets involved with Rod, her weight loss coach in "My Personal Trainer," a dull little encounter (despite the boastful raves discussed by the participants during the behind the scenes clip) which is notable for featuring the unashamedly thick and milky body of its dark-haired lead actress. She is working out on a treadmill (going at a snail's pace, if I may observe) when her bald partner comes in for his own brand of calisthenics. Her fellatio work is good and deep, but we only get to see a few scant minutes of it before he's bending her over for a little squid poking. The sex here is clunky and positively ungraceful. Positions are assumed robotically and at random, and neither performer is what you call easy on the eyes. The only saving grace is that Gia apparently swallows his splooge.
Curly blonde Jolean is far more watchable in "Peeping Tom Gets Lucky," a fair to middling scene in which she has sex with some guy named Tony. He intrudes on her while she's sleeping and they bang away for about fifteen minutes. Equally disappointing is the obligatory girl-girl scene featuring Keiko and Dominica in the obviously titled "No Men Required." Keiko is Dominca's boss, and breaks every sexual harassment law in the books by seducing her hired assistant. Toys, fingers and tongues are actively applied to each other's genitalia, but the girls don't kiss at all! To me, a lesbian scene just isn't a lesbian scene without a little tongue-dueling, so I see no reason why I would ever revisit this vignette.
Finally - and mercifully - the movie ends with a dull little encounter called "Exceptional Receptionist" starring Sinai (an Asian actress who looks better in this scene than when without make-up) and Dave. There is even less chemistry between them than in glass of salt water. She sucks his dick like she lost a bet, and seems to be holding back a gag reflex when Dave cums in her mouth. I almost gagged after seeing these two go at it. If the previous three scenes didn't kill your hard-on, this segment will.
Bonus materials include the aforementioned Behind The Scenes clip, a photo gallery, trailers and a website link. Frustratingly, the featurette doesn't have any interviews or footage of Cytherea. Thank goodness that Smash Pictures had the good sense to feature her in this DVD, because it saves SECRETS EXPOSED from being a total waste.
By:
Diesel